Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
