chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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