woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
