Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
