even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
