Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
