I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
