I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
