So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
