hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
