Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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