I wish my penis had an off switch
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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