I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
