Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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