So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
