The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
