So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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