I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
