Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
