it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
