Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
