I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
