Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize