remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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