My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just had sex on a roof
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize