dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
