My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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