Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
