My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
