He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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