sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
