She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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