Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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