Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
