i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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