I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
