I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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