If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize
