I only kidnapped one of them. chill
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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