Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
