you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
