mondays should just be called national damage control day
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
