She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
