i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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