I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
