My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
