The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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