it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
