She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
