There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
