I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
