Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize