sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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