i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
