I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
