Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
